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U.S. Marine (1995–1999) | U of Texas graduate | Clio Key Art Award-winning copywriter | Top writer in Satire, Humor, Government, & Politics | Dog lover w/ husky

The un-American GOP assault on democracy

Illustration by Lightspring via shutterstock.com

It creeps up on me like a storm of emotions: frustration, depression, disappointment, then blind rage. No political issue sets me off like voter suppression — because nothing is so alarmingly un-American as attacking the foundation of democracy itself.

For years Jim Crow seemed to be on life support. Fewer laws were being enacted specifically to deny rights to Black Americans. Jim Crow was hooked up to a ventilator, dying of COVID-19. As voter turnout increased during the pandemic due to expanded voting options, Jim Crow was gasping for air in his final death throes. …


Listen up, maggots! Love. Respect. Fulfillment. Everyone deserves it.

Sergeant Paul Nixon, drill instructor, photo — public domain, via Wikimedia Commons

Listen up, maggots! Love. Respect. Fulfillment. Everyone deserves it. But some of you can’t seem to get that through your thick freaking skulls. So I’ll break it down for you in a way that’s idiot-proof. You got that? I can’t hear you. Repeat after me: “I am worthy. I deserve to be in a healthy, loving relationship. I can make a deep connection that provides happiness and fulfillment for both my partner and me.”

Avoid relationship FUBAR!

You numbskulls know what FUBAR means? Fucked up beyond all recognition. Is that a smile? Well, let’s see if you’re smiling after I tell you this…


POETRY

Photo by Mike Ver Sprill via Shutterstock

I was a lad, just fifty-five
When I stayed by the sea
In Camden near the old lighthouse
In a shack without a key

Safely tucked away from the world
Beyond all prying eyes
My name was still new on my tongue
One slip could be my demise

I’d heard a tale about the shack
Though I did not believe
In things that are not of this world
I dare say I was naive

On the second night of my stay
I was chilled to the bone
But the summer night was so warm
I felt disturbed and alone

And…


POLITICAL SATIRE

To be, or not to be a dithering Democrat, that is the question

Photo art by author

The following are excerpts from a new season of Sinema and Manchin’s Moderate Masterpiece Political Theater airing on PBS until Republicans defund it.

ACT 1––SCENE 1

Senator Kyrsten Sinema stands before a mirror speaking to her favorite person––herself.

SINEMA: To be, or not to be a dithering Democrat, that is the question. Whether ’tis nobler in the Senate to mock those who suffer with “Fuck You” rings and outrageous curtsies or to take arms against a sea of progress, and by opposing democracy, end it. To die––to sleep, no more.

ACT 1––SCENE 2

At a tucked-away table at Cafe Milano…


SATIRICAL SCIENCE

QAnon congresswoman proves de-evolution is real

Photo art by author — Marjorie face by Satan

What a week it’s been for Evolution. First, I found out from my bestie, Science, that goats were domesticated by humans 10,000 years ago in the Zagros mountains. As if that wasn’t wild enough, suddenly I’m blowing up in the news because Marjorie Taylor Greene announced she didn’t believe in me.

“I don’t believe in that type of so-called science,” Greene said. “I don’t believe in evolution. I believe in God.”

What the hell did I ever do to crazy cave lady? I didn’t care that she was dismissive of me, but I was angry she attacked my sister from…


Plus Jedi mind tricks for tolerating Jar Jar Binks

Photo art — Instagram/ScadArts with permission

I’ve loved Star Wars for as long as I can remember. One of my earliest memories is running over to my babysitter’s house to tell her I was about to see Return of the Jedi. It was the first live-action movie I saw in a theater. “Adventure. Excitement. A Jedi craves not these things.” But a six-year-old does.

I had already seen Star Wars: A New Hope and The Empire Strikes Back dozens of times thanks to this amazingly futuristic device called a VCR. …


POETRY

Photo by Tyler van der Hoeven via Unsplash

If you can’t recall what came before
You can’t be certain there is a more
If you don’t believe in what’s unseen
You can’t go places beyond what’s dreamed

If you won’t break out from where you’re born
You’ll end up dead before you’re mourned
If you won’t wake up to what is true
Your consciousness will never break through

If you’re closed, cut off from openness
You won’t even know what you have missed
If you never dare to take a chance
You’re not a part of the great expanse

If the void is what you fear most
Then…


PET HUMOR

K9 tips for cleaning your kibble and bits

Echo Thunderheart Direwolf Zaharako — guest author — photo by owner

As a dog with a penis, I enjoy licking my junk for various reasons, which may confound humans. We mutts enjoy licking all sorts of things—legs, the carpet, other dogs’ assholes. Hell, you name it, we’ve licked it.

Though uninformed dog owners have unfairly stigmatized penis licking for decades, this behavior is not only perfectly normal, it’s both hygienic and a heck of a way to spend your Saturday night.

What’s with the licking?

The main reasons we dogs lick our one-eyed willies or lady bits is, first, to keep our private parts clean, and second, because it feels damn good. Don’t get jealous…

Ryan Zaharako

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