You’ll find we’re a laid-back, decentralized bunch — Dear Comrade New-hire, Welcome to the Antifa family. We had a high number of applicants, and we chose you because we believe your enthusiasm and experience with punching things will have a major impact on the faces of Nazis. When you report to the office on Monday, you’ll meet your…

It doesn’t take a Brainiac to see this crash coming — You’ve heard about the Kryptonite currency craze sweeping the galaxy. You’ve watched it rise to out-of-this-world prices, and you want in. But is it because you recognize the long-term value of owning a small piece of my decimated home planet, Krypton, or do you fear missing out on the latest…

Using white privilege to get what you want while simultaneously denying white privilege exists — Introduction Communicating white privilege by speaking to the manager is the foundation of being a successful Karen. But carrying out an effective public outburst that fully demonstrates your selfish elitism requires a level of abrasive confidence that can be challenging, even for the most entitled asshole.

Please refrain from spreading COVID-19 misinformation — LaVar Burton: Welcome back to Congressional Jeopardy. Before we begin the Double Jeopardy round, I would like to remind our contestants once again to please refrain from spreading COVID-19 misinformation. That said, let’s take a look at the scores. LaVar Burton: Texas Representative Louie Gohmert has set a new Congressional…

Your elitist-looking calligraphy has created a hostile work environment — Dear Constitution, We regretfully inform you that your employment with our country is canceled, effective immediately. As outlined below, your termination as our founding document is directly related to your recent performance and behavior. We have received numerous complaints from very fine people that you are limiting the powers of…

Mistletoe means you’re DTF — The Three Wise Men who brought baby Jesus gifts to celebrate his birth were the originators of “doing your own research.” They were a beacon of truth and knowledge like the ancient versions of Newsmax, OANN, and Fox News. The term Xmas dates back to the 1500s when liberals started…

Personal porta-potties are now available — Hello Team! Keeping with our commitment to balancing productivity and worker satisfaction during the busy holidays, we’d like to clarify our policy on urinating into plastic bottles. In addition to your generous 30ish-minute lunch break, employees working 10-hour shifts will be permitted two 15-minute breaks. You are now unofficially —…

“O Captain! my Captain! You’re standing on my oxygen tube.” — Karl Marx’s famous last words were, “Last words are for fools who haven’t said enough.” But these famous fools’ dying words were lost to history… until now. Molière “Art imitates life. Irony imitates death.” Nostradamus “I should have seen this coming.” Mark Twain “Reports of my death are not exaggerated.” …

Bubbly the Housing Bubble and the Great Recession! (still available for publication) — As a mortgage lender who calculates market valuations of collateralized debt obligations as a function of risk analysis, publishers often assume I lack the imagination to write fun financial-themed kid’s adventures. But Random House’s snub could be your gain since the following manuscripts are still available for publication!