The un-American GOP assault on democracy
It creeps up on me like a storm of emotions: frustration, depression, disappointment, then blind rage. No political issue sets me off like voter suppression — because nothing is so alarmingly un-American as attacking the foundation of democracy itself.
For years Jim Crow seemed to be on life support. Fewer laws were being enacted specifically to deny rights to Black Americans. Jim Crow was hooked up to a ventilator, dying of COVID-19. As voter turnout increased during the pandemic due to expanded voting options, Jim Crow was gasping for air in his final death throes. …
POLITICAL POETRY
Last year I released An Anthology of Anti-Trump Limericks to great acclaim. Several liberal grandmothers said they “loved it” anyway. And while writing about the failed former president gets old, I’ve found other MAGA muse to inspire great works of poetry. So, sit back, relax, and enjoy some of the finest dirty political limericks ever written by me in the past year.
There once was a man named Rudy
Who liked to relax when off duty.
He would loosen his pants
For a little romance
But was left high and dry with NO booty.
A former Marine sounds off about PTCD
There are skirmishes, there are battles, and then there are all-out wars.
There I was, pinned down on all sides. I had graduated from boot camp, but no one had prepped me for what was to come. The enemy moved fast, before I could react. In the blink of an eye, I was a captured prisoner. And thus began the worst 96 hours of my life. It started, like most torture does, with the smiling face of Nicolas Cage.
I was surrounded by dozens of loud, drunk Marines. Marines who were armed to the teeth with a deadly assortment of…
PET HUMOR
I figured you’d want it back
You must have been distracted again today, old buddy because you forgot to scoop up this dog poo on your morning walk.
I get it. It’s easy to forget things. Where you put the car keys. Basic human decency. The state capitals. It happens to the best of us. For example, Providence, that’s a capital, and it’s also a word that means “planning ahead.” Like, say, bringing a plastic bag on your morning walk.
Luckily for us both, I was just a half-block behind you when Sparky did his business — and I happened to have a baggie with me…
POLITICS
Spoiler: they’re all Republicans
In normal times, elected leaders play a marginal role in our lives. A party comes to power, policies shift, and politics — while divisive — rarely impacts us directly.
But during a crisis, be it a global pandemic, an epidemic of police violence, or a Capitol riot inspired by lies, the character of our leaders and the quality of their governance can have disastrous consequences.
In 2020, when America faced a barrage of crises, Republican leaders politicized science, peddled dangerous conspiracy theories, exploited racial divisions, and tried to destroy our democracy.
I HUMOR
Once he finally makes it over
1. So who came up with that name? It’s interesting, that’s all. Is it Old Norse?
2. We should throw a huge party to celebrate. No, not like a baby shower. A kegger, man. Chicks love babies. It’s biology bro.
3. Oh wow. The kid kinda looks like your friend Matt. Weird right?
4. It is kind of a scary time to have a baby, though isn’t it? With all the liberal elites eating children? You know I almost had three kids myself?
5. Are the eyes supposed to be like that? Forget it. I shouldn’t have said anything. It’s…
GUN VIOLENCE
Armed Father, who art in heaven, hollow-points be thy aim
Dear God, as we mourn another unavoidable tragedy, grant us the strength to think and pray for more thoughts and prayers to end mass shootings.
Our merciful Savior, let your loyal flock of God-fearing, gun-loving, true believers open our hearts to your grace so that we might see the light. Help us find the wisdom to pray away the terrible evil of demonic mental illness — that has nothing to do with access to sidearms.
Prince of peace, lead us not into the temptation of violent video games but deliberal us from anti-gun people and bring us peace on Earth…
HUMOR
An assinine pandemic plea for help
If anyone is reading this, I don’t have a lot of time. I’m an ass. Well, not an ass, his ass! Yes, the big lug you see is attached to me. Don’t look, God, you’ll give it away!
I’ve been stuck indoors for a year. This pandemic is literally killing me. Or, more specifically, HE is trying to smother me to death! I see that look on your face and let me stop you right there. I am NOT just being anal retentive, thank you very much.
He has a job as a “writer” where he sits on his butt––me!––eight…
POLITICS
From Florida Man to interstate predator
Matt Gaetz is a tool. Suppose you’re only finding out now because he’s under investigation by the Department of Justice for charges of sex trafficking a minor. In that case, you’re late to the pizza party.
For years this congressional creep has lived up to the “Florida Man” stereotype. With a sycophantic devotion to Donald Trump, no other person better personifies the essence of the MAGA movement and its total lack of accountability for bad behavior.
With his frat-boy antics, this master distractor has a gift for gaslighting critics to deflect from the reprehensible actions of his fellow Republicans. But…
POLITIC HUMOR
A Second Amendment American Dream
Well, here they come again, trying to take our guns! As if I, Joe Responsible Gunowner, am personally culpable for all seven mass shootings that happened last week. Pa-lease!
It’s not even a gun control issue if you ask me. It’s a lack-of-access-to-tanks sitiation. You heard me right, I said tanks.
You see, the Founding Fathers––in their infinite wisdom––blessed us with the right to bear arms and the duty to raise our own bad-ass militia. And I’m as sure as God made little green apples that their original intention was for me to own a fully armed, 70-ton military tank.
…
