Published in Slackjaw·PinnedMember-onlyNaughty Love Letters From The Civil WarI am but a sword without a scabbard to call home. — My very dear wife, Indications are very strong that we shall engage the enemy presently, perhaps on the morrow. Lest I not be able to write you again, I am compelled to scribble a few lines that may fall under your eye in the loneliest of nights. My love for…Humor4 min readHumor4 min read
Published in Slackjaw·PinnedMember-onlyWelcome To The Antifa Team, ComradeYou’ll find we’re a laid-back, decentralized bunch — Dear Comrade New-hire, Welcome to the Antifa family. We had a high number of applicants, and we chose you because we believe your enthusiasm and experience with punching things will have a major impact on the faces of Nazis. When you report to the office on Monday, you’ll meet your…Humor3 min readHumor3 min read
Published in MuddyUm·May 12, 2022Member-onlySuperman Explains Why Kryptonite Currency Is Headed for the Phantom ZoneIt doesn’t take a Brainiac to see this crash coming — You’ve heard about the Kryptonite currency craze sweeping the galaxy. You’ve watched it rise to out-of-this-world prices, and you want in. But is it because you recognize the long-term value of owning a small piece of my decimated home planet, Krypton, or do you fear missing out on the latest…Cryptocurrency3 min readCryptocurrency3 min read
Published in MuddyUm·Mar 29, 2022Member-onlyThe Karen College of Communication: Let Me Speak to Your Manager 101Using white privilege to get what you want while simultaneously denying white privilege exists — Introduction Communicating white privilege by speaking to the manager is the foundation of being a successful Karen. But carrying out an effective public outburst that fully demonstrates your selfish elitism requires a level of abrasive confidence that can be challenging, even for the most entitled asshole.Humor3 min readHumor3 min read
Published in Politically Speaking·Jan 13, 2022Member-onlyMarjorie Taylor Greene, Lauren Boebert, and Louie Gohmert Play Congressional JeopardyPlease refrain from spreading COVID-19 misinformation — LaVar Burton: Welcome back to Congressional Jeopardy. Before we begin the Double Jeopardy round, I would like to remind our contestants once again to please refrain from spreading COVID-19 misinformation. That said, let’s take a look at the scores. LaVar Burton: Texas Representative Louie Gohmert has set a new Congressional…Politics5 min readPolitics5 min read
Published in Politically Speaking·Dec 31, 2021Member-onlyThe Constitution Gets Fired for CauseYour elitist-looking calligraphy has created a hostile work environment — Dear Constitution, We regretfully inform you that your employment with our country is canceled, effective immediately. As outlined below, your termination as our founding document is directly related to your recent performance and behavior. We have received numerous complaints from very fine people that you are limiting the powers of…Politics3 min readPolitics3 min read
Published in MuddyUm·Dec 21, 2021Member-onlyAlt-Facts About Christmas by the Guy Who Does His Own ResearchMistletoe means you’re DTF — The Three Wise Men who brought baby Jesus gifts to celebrate his birth were the originators of “doing your own research.” They were a beacon of truth and knowledge like the ancient versions of Newsmax, OANN, and Fox News. The term Xmas dates back to the 1500s when liberals started…Christmas3 min readChristmas3 min read
Published in The Haven·Nov 30, 2021Member-onlyUnrecorded Famous Last Words“O Captain! my Captain! You’re standing on my oxygen tube.” — Karl Marx’s famous last words were, “Last words are for fools who haven’t said enough.” But these famous fools’ dying words were lost to history… until now. Molière “Art imitates life. Irony imitates death.” Nostradamus “I should have seen this coming.” Mark Twain “Reports of my death are not exaggerated.” …History3 min readHistory3 min read
Published in Slackjaw·Nov 8, 2021Member-onlyGetting A Children’s Book About Subprime Mortgage Published Is Harder Than You ThinkBubbly the Housing Bubble and the Great Recession! (still available for publication) — As a mortgage lender who calculates market valuations of collateralized debt obligations as a function of risk analysis, publishers often assume I lack the imagination to write fun financial-themed kid’s adventures. But Random House’s snub could be your gain since the following manuscripts are still available for publication!Humor3 min readHumor3 min read
Published in Greener Pastures Magazine·Nov 5, 2021Member-onlyWooderson From ‘Dazed and Confused’ Celebrates National Redhead Day“This holiday is alright, alright, alright!” — Man, oh man, the day I’ve been looking forward to all year has finally arrived — the holiday that has the whole nation singing, “Oh beautiful for gracious guys, for Amber waves of mane.” I’m talking, of course, about National Redhead Day. Let me tell you what this day is…Humor3 min readHumor3 min read