Do You Suffer from MAGAnxiety? Here Are 5 Ways to Cope
It starts as a feeling in the pit of your stomach. Or a foreboding in the back of your mind that whispers, “What if Trump actually wins this election?” You break out in a cold sweat, your heart races, you can’t sleep, and Election Day still seems like an eternity away.
The stress you’re feeling is called MAGAnxiety — our body’s natural response to seeing a bunch of corrupt, bigoted, science-denying cult members destroy the country we love.
According to The Holy Sphincter Institute of QAnon Studies, over 100 million Americans have experienced some level of MAGAnxiety since 2016. The vast majority of them (nearly 65 million) suffered from high levels of MAGAnxiety.
If you haven’t recognized your triggers yet, here are a few common ones: red hats, maskless morons, confederate flags, Nazi flags, idiots with assault rifles, pick-up trucks with ‘truck nuts’ and an NRA bumper sticker, QAnon posts, Trump-branded buildings, Trump flags, Trump bumper stickers, Trump family members, and Trump.
But fear not. No matter what abrasive cult members say, you are not a snowflake. Remember, they’re the ones following the most unhinged, easily “triggered” buffoon on the face of the planet. Not you.
Things to Do When You’re Seeing Red
When your MAGAnxiety seems to be getting the best of you, there are several things you can do to help manage your MAGAnxiety until November 3.
Turn off the news
Sure, Wolf Blitzer’s beard is dreamy. But when flipping through news channels, there’s always a chance you might catch a glimpse of Tucker Carlson’s bow tie and end up throwing the remote through your smart TV, which isn’t very smart. I speak from experience. Limit yourself to an hour of news a day. Flip over to The Golden Girls or Murder She Wrote and try to forget that democracy is crumbling before your very eyes.
Let Fido relieve himself
If you’re pissed off, well it’s better than being pissed on, right? Better yet, take the dog for a walk and let him do his business on a Trump sign.
Yeah, I know it’s not very mature but we’re talking about your mental health here. Pets are a great way to relieve stress and any Trump sign close to the road is probably violating local ordinances about campaign signs. If the owner starts to complain, just tell him, “It is what it is.”
A word of caution: you probably shouldn’t urinate on the sign yourself. There are security cameras everywhere these days.
MAGA mantra mediation
Meditating can help with short-term stress release and long-term stress management. Try setting aside 10 to 15 minutes twice a day to practice mindfulness. Choose a mantra that sets your mind at ease. It could be a simple word or phrase like, “relax,” “Be Best,” or a sound like “ohm.” I like to recite a list of words to assure myself I haven’t had a recent stroke. So I calmly say to myself “person, woman, man, camera, TV.” I give myself an extra pat on the back if I get them in order.
Build your own panic bunker
We’ve all had to hide out in the basement because our fascist and racist ideology caused massive protests that consumed our entire neighborhood, am I right? In those instances, one of the best ways to alleviate stress is to have a preordained safe space or reinforced panic bunker. If your house has a nuclear bomb shelter that was built in the ‘50s, then you might not need to do much work at all.
If you’re lacking a reinforced concrete blast shelter to make you feel safe, try converting your basement into your very own luxury panic bunker. Consider making it a home improvement project that’s fun for the whole family. It might even be a good time to tell the kids about the coming apocalypse.
Get out and vote early
2020 has been an all-around stressful year. And the closer we get to November 3, the more nerve-wracking it is. Trump and his gang of fascist cult members who occupy every corner of our government are working overtime to ensure that your vote does not count or that you’re discouraged from voting at all.
The best thing you can do to set your mind at ease and rid yourself of MAGAnxiety is to get out and vote early. Mail-in ballots are safe but get them in as early as possible. You’ll feel less stress the moment you’ve done your civic duty. If you’re voting in person, make a plan, pick a date and time, then follow through. And please, for the love of God, vote blue!
P.S. If you’re voting MAGA, be sure to vote in person on Wednesday, November 4, when the lines will be much shorter.