Sign in

U.S. Marine (1995–1999) | U of Texas graduate | Clio Key Art Award-winning copywriter | Top writer in Satire, Humor, Government, & Politics | Dog lover w/ husky

Listen up, maggots! Love. Respect. Fulfillment. Everyone deserves it.

Sergeant Paul Nixon, drill instructor, photo — public domain, via Wikimedia Commons

Listen up, maggots! Love. Respect. Fulfillment. Everyone deserves it. But some of you can’t seem to get that through your thick freaking skulls. So I’ll break it down for you in a way that’s idiot-proof. You got that? I can’t hear you. Repeat after me: “I am worthy. I deserve to be in a healthy, loving relationship. I can make a deep connection that provides happiness and fulfillment for both my partner and me.”

Avoid relationship FUBAR!

You numbskulls know what FUBAR means? Fucked up beyond all recognition. Is that a smile? Well, let’s see if you’re smiling after I tell you this…


“Serpents shall not hurt them unless they’re Rosco.” Mark 16:17, amended.

Photo by Ciaran Flannery/National Geographic — fair use.

Thank you for joining us for the Old Time Religion Radio Hour. I am Jebediah Jacobson, pastor of The Appalachia Pentecostal Holy Rollers Serpent-Handling Congregation.

As you might imagine, I get asked all sorts of silly questions about the serpent-fiddling faith. So I’ve decided to answer the notes you’ve been leaving in our offering boxes each Sunday. Once again, those boxes are for monetary donations not suggestions, but, praise be, we’re here for all your snake-salvation questions.

Are the snakes poisonous?

Heavens yes. We only handle the most venomous snakes. We’ve held cobras, mambas, copperheads, timber rattlers, and water moccasins, to name a few.


Poison jams will blast on repeat

There’s no better way to celebrate your born-on date than by watching your closest friends get beaten half to death while rolling around on the floor locked together like two aggro flesh pretzels. If that’s not a wholesome slice of sweat-flavored Americana, I don’t know what is.

But before you step into the octagon at my birthday bash, you better know the golden rules.

Rule 1: Do not talk about fight party.

The first rule of fight party is you do not talk about fight party. We don’t want any geeks or nerds who can’t take a punch to the face showing up.

Rule 2: Kick the kids to the curb.

It’s called an adult birthday…


A PSA from Carl in the windowless van

Photo by Ray Laybourne via Unsplash

Happy National Ice Cream Month!

As your friendly neighborhood ice cream man, I’d like to remind all you fine folks across America that not all ice cream truck vendors are vicious serial killers.

Rest assured, when you hear the strangled sound of the iconic jingle that instantly triggers memories of creepy slasher films, I am there to sell refreshing razor blade-free ice cream to you and yours.

Ice Cream for Summer

It’s been a rocky road for ice cream truck drivers this year. …


Where one goes crazy, we all go crazy

Photo art by author

Fellow QAnon believers,

The Conservative Political Action Conference welcomes you to CPAC 2021: Conspiracy UnCanceled. Thank you for buying the Q Clearance Package at the clearance-rate price. I am your VIQ coordinator for this event––you can just call me Vic since I know you’re all a few pepperonis short of a Pizzagate.

I want to assure you that The Storm is still coming. The Democrat cabal of Satanic cannibalistic pedophiles running a global child sex trafficking ring WILL be arrested when Donald Trump is reinstated next month.

You can all sleep soundly on your MyPillows tonight knowing that everything that…


Musk-do steps for blasting your billionaire dreams to the moon

Photo by Naresh777 via ShutterStock

Why are some people more successful than others? Why can’t I reach self-actualization? Why don’t I have my own moon rocket? If you’ve ever asked yourself these questions, you’re not alone. Billions of people around the world suffer from the frustrating condition of not being a business magnate like Elon Musk.

But what separates successful billionaires from those of us toiling away in the marginal millionaire club? It’s no secret that 95% of a person’s success is based on their ability to be a total dick. …


You’ve been warned

ePhoto by s_bukley via ShutterStock

Listen to me very closely because I’m only going to say this once. I want a Venti Caramel Ribbon Crunch Frappuccino––2 add shots, light ice, two percent milk, three pumps of vanilla, a half pump of cinnamon dolce, a splash of soy, two splashes of almond milk, another splash of soy. Extra whipped cream.

Now, this next part is very important. I want absolutely no foam––not one molecule of it secretly buried beneath the tightly packed layer of whipped cream that should rise exactly nine centimeters above the lip of the cup.

Lastly, I want two passes of caramel drizzle…


No vax, no masks, no problem!

Photoshopped art by author

In a world ravaged by sickness, in a country that no longer believes in science, one man is on a mission to wipe out a deadly virus once and for all.


Treason is back in season!

Image art by author

Donald Trump kicked off his revenge tour this weekend in an effort to oust Republicans who dared to put the country above the Dear Leader.

As MAGA nation awaits an announcement about whether or not he’ll run in 2024, here’s a list of possible 2024 campaign slogans.

1. Treason is back in season!

Trying to overturn elections and attacking the foundations of democracy was totally out of style in the Republican Party for nearly 3 hours after the January 6 insurrection. But, now with the return of the Chosen One, treason is back in season, baby!

2. Yes we Klan!

Any Trump supporter will tell you nothing is more fun…

Ryan Zaharako

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store